I Need a Vacation

Good Afternoon Me Droogs and Droogettes!
Another fine day here in Central Flor-ri-Duh, the Gunshine State!

Whelp, the Grandbaby is now sick.  Go fucking figure amiright?  When we picked her up, she hadda lil’ sniffle going on.  Nothing too intense or unexpected.  Normal lil kinder stuff.  Now?  Well, this morning she was off her feed a bit, and Grammie was getting a bit upset as the Lil Un wasn’t chowing down.  Next thing you know she sorta burp/barfed a quart of nasty up.  Seems her lil sinuses were draining into the back of her gullet, and when you get enough of that, well, can’t really digest it so she hurled it up.  Grammie kind of freaked out as Jesus it –was– quite a bit, unexpected and frankly gross.

Soon as the Lil Un dumped guts tho, the appetite was back on.  As in “Execute Ravenous Mode“.

Watch your fingers and keep clear, lest you pull back a stump.

Two whole cans worth of Skettie “Os”…  The supposedly ‘healthy organic’ version…  Thats what Grammie sez leastways.  Personally I think its just the same assembly line, but with different labels and price points at the end.

So add on the NGFF, well fuckitall… I’ll just refer to her as Grammie or the Old Lady.  Seeings I’m actually pecking this out two fingered (failed typing back in the day…  still got a pretty good WPM tho)  So, to pick up, The Ole Lady has gut issues… you name it, she’s got it, had it or waiting to have it.  She’s had her pack pulled, plumbing rebuilt, the whole Nine Yards.

Interesting Historical Aside:  The “Whole Nine Yards” is from World War One… it was a reference to the ammunition belts on the old fighter planes of the day and their length.  A belt on a Vickers 7.7 machine gun was approximately 9 yards long, and sometimes when asked about a particular dogfight, the pilot would say that he “Gave them the whole 9 yards!” meaning he shot the shit out of the other guy until he ran dry on ammo.

Gratuitous Fighter Picture

Kinda cool huh?

So as I was saying, last night the Ole Lady was hurting in her gut area, and she’s running a low grade fever.  Not much, like one or two degrees.  The problem is it’s pain is centered right over where her appendix is.  Apparently thats like the only factory part she’s got left in there.  SO now I have to worry about her having appendix issues and it’s going to be about three days before I trust any of the local hospitals with her.

The stats are that you have like a huuuuuuuge chance of dying by going to the Emergency Room during a holiday.  The care there to be honest, even on a good day well… it just frankly sucks ass.  And on a holiday?   The staff doesn’t want to be there, hell the patients don’t want to be there, people have a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, so we wait.

I got her icing down the area, and gave her some perc for the pain.  I’ma just going to monitor.  I’m way experienced with the whole “detonating appendix issues” as I personally went through that shit a number of years back.  So if her fever spikes, (indicated a buildup of toxins) or any extremely sharp pains in that area (its only a dull pain right now) then off to the ER we go.

I mean unless I want to practice my meatball surgery here at the house.  I mean I -do- have quite the medical kit. LMAO.

In fact I gotta tell that one… When my appendix went bad, I raced off to the ER with XHH6.  Didn’t have a clue that it was my appendix… I was just madly feverish and had gut pain.  Problem was the gut pain was just dull from all the nerve damage I had from my injuries that got me medically retired.  Always been a problem.  without too much detail, my neck got crushed.  Like I’m an inch shorter now that I was pre-accident.  The nerves in my neck that transmit pain-to-the-brain are either inoperative or in ‘full on’ all the time.

So some pain I feel every day… other pain?  Not so much.  As in my son came up to me one day and was like “Daddy, why are you bleeding all over your arm?”  I had been outside trimming trees and apparently laid open my arm from elbow to halfway to the wrist and didn’t even notice or feel it.  I thought the dripping feeling coming off my hand was sweat… didn’t even feel the staples when the doc put me back together… so to continue…

I’m in, they do a blood test, goggle at the test, and race me off to Pre-Op so quickly my head is spinning.  It was anyways from the fever, but a few shots of something and I was doing better.  While I’m waiting for them to do the I.V., a call goes out that there’s a mass-casualty event… some huge car wreck literally and that everyone, all hand-on-deck…  I’m just like, “Well this could be a while” and said fuckitall, and proceeded to stick myself.  Right before I had gotten out, I managed to slip myself into a couple of really useful advanced trauma and medical courses that a few units had offered…   even though I was getting out I figured the more knowledge the better.  Doing a self-inserted I.V. catheter is a bit bloody and messy, but I still do one to myself at least once a year to keep up the skill.  I get the equipment from a friend in the hospital, so I know its good gear.  Anywho.

I stick myself, get it up and running and was juuust finishing up when Nurse-dood comes back in, and well, completely freaks out.  Races off, gets a doctor… Annoying.  Apparently he saw his whole career flash before his eyes… me?  I was whatever.  The doc came in and was pretty impressed.  I told him “Hey, this’s what your tax dollars get you.  Good training Hooah!…”  Word spread pretty quickly… guess they were bored.  I was like “whats the big deal about it?”

Hell… if THAT bothered them, what happened in the Operating Room made them shit their pants.

I knew they were going to put me under fully, and that I was going to have a trach-tube put in.  I very carefully briefed the Anesthesiologist.  Told him Do NOT grab me by the throat -violently-.  All the combatives I had been trained on, well a lot of it (back then… now?  Not so fucking much) was reflexive.  As in grabbing me from behind around the throat or neck was going to get you hurt very badly.  I had -no- idea at the time what would happen when I was under General Anesthesia, But I figured better safe than sorry later.  The Gas-Passer was cool about it, said he had dealt with some ‘squirrelly’ guys like me in the past, and not to worry.

The next Doc who came in told me the sonogram had showed the appendix was like the size of a softball and almost ready to pop.  He asked if I would mind if a group of Student-Doctors could observe because usually, the appendix in question had either already burst, or it was just slightly inflamed.  Mine was a great example of a big nasty one, and he wanted the Baby-Docs to see it.  I was like OK, no prob.

Which actually turned into a Problem.  Uno Problemo Grande.

So, fast forward… they get me under, knock me out, start cutting.. staple me together, and then they fucked up.  Gas-Passer offered to let a Baby-Gas-Passer untrach me.  This was a bad idea.  Seems it had slipped his mind about the whole “don’t grab the combat vet by the throat” thing.

Which is exactly what the South Korean student-doctor did.

Now mind you, I get this all AFTER the fact.  The after action report would have sounded to the effect like this:

DR KIM approached the PATIENT and proceeded to perform an untraching of the PATIENT by grabbing the PATIENTs larynx and squeezing.  During this proceedure, the PATIENT suddenly and unexpectedly woke up while under general anesthesia.  The PATIENT the ripped his left arm off of the table, where it had been secured with velcro straps and grabbed DR KIM by the throat.  He then deadlifted DR KIM by the throat, and lifted his right arm, pulling those velcro straps free, and violently pulled his own tracheotomy tube out.  The entire time, the patient continued to strangle DR KIM with his left hand.  The PATIENT then attempted to sit up, but was stopped by the chest straps.  The ANESTHESIOLOGIST, realizing what had happened, dumped a load of more meds into the I.V. line, knocking the PATIENT into La-La-Land, thereby allowing DR KIM to move to a safer location.
(like Seoul S.K. lol)

Yeah, apparently Doctor Luke-the-Gook grabbed me HARD by the throat, I came out of the general, and attempted to murder everyone in the room, to hear it from the Doc later.  The surgeon who debriefed me later said that the look in my eyes was ‘feral’.

I warned ’em.  That’s all I can say in my defense.

They were very happy to see me leave I believe.

OK: More later if I can.  Gotta get the turkey outta the deep freeze and get prepped.  Until then, I remain the Intrepid Reporter
Big Country

By BigCountryExpat

Fuck you if you can't take a joke. No one gets out alive so eat me.


  1. The wifely unit, during one of the many surgeries to repair her leg when it got between the engine of her motorcycle and a car, came up off the operating table and apparently popped quite a few of the people in the OR. Seems the gas-passer gave her the paralysis drug before the knockout drug and she got to lay there fully aware but unable to move for a short while before they knocked her out and trached her. So, in the middle of the surgery, paralysis drug wears off, and Rockyette comes alive.

    Total score: 2 black eyes, one bloody nose, a broken finger and a bunch of very wary nurses in recovery…

    I have learned to wake her from a distance, as bad things happen within arms' reach.

  2. Love the historical info. I had no idea. Great appendectomy story! That'll show em! I had my appendix removed also but I was only nine, no combat training so I was a model patient. Ha! So true about getting sick on holidays. My sister had an extreme headache on Thanksgiving while driving out of town. She saw shooting stars too so they decided to return home and go to emergency. They were told she had a brain tumor and could have surgery that day or wait one day and have a full staff for surgery. They decided to wait for full staff. Big mistake. She actually had a brain infection and should of had it cleaned up ASAP. She ended up with four brain surgeries and almost half her skull removed. She got a kevlar replacement a year later. That was 12 years ago tomorrow. She made almost a full recover. Some residual problems but she is a miracle.

  3. When I had gall bladder problems, they had to do 2 procedures…one was to expand the common duct so that a big ass lodged stone could be removed before they could remove my boulder-filled gall bladder itself. After the procedure, which they had to pump me up with air, I wss told that I couldn't leave until I "expelled some of the excessive gas" left behind by the surgery.
    I may have been doped up pretty good, but my fucked up brain still remembered the South Park episode where Kenny tried to abort his mother's baby with a fucked up drink, but the dad drank it instead. I did my best impression of Kenny's dad that day, and it must have been pretty good…I remember hearing, and am frequently reminded by my wife, the surgical staff pissing themselves laughing as I yelled "Oh, God!" between voluminous fart tirades…kinda like this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBMmGiX1Fdo
    We men are such simple creatures…

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