Kuwait 2008 Big Country Versus The Bat

Konnichi wah Y’all
That’d be jap oh heeno for “Good Evening Ya’ll”  Yep, the Intrepid and Bored Reporter here to
fill in the blanks (again) not that a hell of a lot has been happening
here.  Truth be told, It’s about as
exciting as watching paint dry ‘round these here parts, so if this seems a bit
on the light side on info and fun stuff, so be it. 
As you can tell, I’ve sorta been in a kind of a funk lately;
see’n’s how there is nothing wild nor exciting happening here in Kuwait.  Well, nothing locally exciting, well, then
again, maybe it is, maybe it ain’t… as you can see the old IR is in a sorta kinda
contradictory sort of mood.    Long and
the short of it, well really, the long of it is I’m still waiting to hear about
the Japan Job. 
Now for those of you who haven’t heard, I got the job in
Yokohama North Dock with a new company. 
The IR scored huge with this one folks…. British Aerospace Engineering,
better known as BAE.  It’s the second
largest contracting company in size and money, and its waaaay exciting to think
I might have a shot at staying with them for a while.  BAE is better known for its current
production of the JSF, the Joint Strike Fighter which is the Navy’s new
toy.  I got to see one in the Dulles
Annex when I went through there with Ryan and Doctor D and as far as companies
go, it’s considered to be a real “brass ring” to get hired with them.  I got lucky… they needed an AWRDS clerk/pc
puke and I got the gig. 
OK the geek in the back is asking “What’s AWRDS and why did
you get the job?”
To satisfy this, I gotta explain in simple terms.  AWRDS stands for Army War Reserve Depot
Supply System. (Or something to that effect… I’ve been downing some “Evil Green
Nasty” so I’m short on the old memory tonight) But anyways, it’s the ‘new’
supply tracking software and it was created and owned by my current company
Stanley ASSociates.  And yeah, I did
capitalize the ASS in this.  More on this
in a bit.  Anyways, some how some where
the Army decided it’s going to use AWRDS to track any and ALL equipment… from
the M1A2 Abrams Tank, to literally small bags ‘o bolts.  Stanley ASSociates licenses other companies
to use it and they do… all over the entire world.  It is, for my geekdom friends out there it’s
an SQL Based DB with some really easy to use and intuitive GUIs.  It has to be seeing that an 18 year old
supply clerk with nothing but a GED needs to be able to use it.  Now, by no means am I COMPLETELY literate in
using it.  I do have a pretty good grasp,
and, having worked for the past 18 months with it with the company that created
it, I was a prime candidate for the job in Japan.  Now I did get the job.  I’m just waiting on contract award (meaning
that BAE is rebidding and we’re both, me and BAE that is are waiting on the
word on it)  They’re going to be needing
an AWRDS puke, and I got the gig as I stated before.  Now I wait.
It’s like that classic Russian story “Waiting for
Godot.” 
“”Should we wait longer?” 
“We shall see.”
It’s so dragging out to have to wait.  I’m a bit stir crazy as I want out of A) The Middle East and B) Out of Stanley.  Throw C) the local situation deteriorating,
and I got my “three-fucking-strikes-it’s-time-to-pop-smoke” award.  The Main reasons for both are A) Iran and B) No
way am I ever going to move up any more in my current enslaver…er… make that
company.  C) I’ll cover in a few…
To explain part A specifically… I’ve had a couple of you
audience members give me shit about wanting to hightail it out of here on
account of Iran and the Head Weirdbeard 
Moosestuffer I’madinnerjacket.  Terms
like ‘Pussy’ have been bandied about. 
That’s cool… I can see the rationale in your minds, but let me explain
further, and see how you’d look at it. 
Luck to me, well,  I
have come to the realization that LUCK is a finite thing.  Only so much of it in yer life, and then shit
happens!  This especially in my
case.  I wasn’t nicknamed “Big Country
The Mortar Magnet” for no reason… I’ve burned through a whooooole lotta good
luck… generations worth of previously untapped Irish Luck is what I attribute
it to. I’d be lying to say that things are peachy fucking ducky over here.  The military has in the past 6 months built
large numbers of bunkers on base (where there ain’t been none before, to
include 2001 til now.)  Nothing secret
about it.  If anything, the bad guys are
well aware of the buildup.  To me, the
military doesn’t spend money UNLESS there’s what we call a Tom Clancy
moment.  For the geek in the rear of the
room and editorial sake, that means a “Clear and Present Danger.”  Now do you get it?  The fact of the matter is I’m working on a
target that’s 100 miles across the Persian/Arabian Gulf and that’s well within
range.  Again, nothing secret.  You can go to Google maps and even pull up my
workplace on it in full glorious color pictures with a resolution that can
actually show individual tanks and trucks. 
All courtesy of the French satellite imagery, mind you.  Don’t that just about cover it?  Dirty frog bastids.  Add in enough aircraft carrier strike groups
and the assorted support bullshit, and I’m willing to bet I’ll shortly be able
to walk from Mahboula Beach here in Kuwait
to the Eastern Shore of the Straight of Hormuz
with out getting my combat boots damp. 
Yeah, we see by the latest news that 2 US carrier groups and 1 British Carrier
Group and even the Fucking Cowardly French are getting in on the act.  There’s already 2 full carrier groups here,
so it’s getting fucking crowded out there… 
That’s a whoooooole shitpile of large floating objects people.
But I digress, per my usual ramblings.  Yeah, the bunkers, the regular air raid siren
drills, shit like that adds up to a real “Fuck.” Moment.  I mean they didn’t have any sort of
protective stuff on base until around November of last year (remember all the
saber rattling?)  It’s not the actions of
the US
per se that has me nervous, but the fucking Israelis.  The Iranians have said flat out they’d hit
“any and all American interests in the region.” And to me, they’d have to hit
us, seeing we’re the biggest base and have all the cool toys that the Army
needs to fight a war with.  I figure if
they hit the base, it’ll be game the fuck over. 
I even have a plan, seeing that the odds are in favor of a chemical or
gas attack.  That’d be per doctrine the
easiest and smartest thing to do.  Area
Deniability.  Cover my work area with
chem. Or gas or bio and all them toys are rendered fucking useless until they
can be decontaminated, not to mention that all of us poor dead fuckers who’d be
trapped and gassed on base.  Real
pleasant right?  My plan is that if
anything happens, I’m boogying before it can. 
I didn’t live through 22 months of Bombs Over Baghdad in the club
formerly known as the Saddam-A-Go-Go to get wasted as collateral damage to a
foreign policy that’s gone insane.  Hell,
I still haven’t hit Tokyo
Joes Bar

n Grill.  THAT’S where I want to be.
Part B of the equation is that I’ve hit the proverbial
‘glass ceiling’ here… or maybe it’d be better calling it what it is, which is
that I’m “not down with the brown.” 
Yeah… only 3 of us are white dudes and I’m the only redneck.  This is out of 54 people.  I heard we might get another honky… er… Caucasian
in, but for now… makes for lonely times I’m here to tell ya.  It’s not discrimination de facto, more like
de jure.  I mean others got promoted up to
Analyst 2 at their six month marker.  Me,
try 14 months, and with not a single negative action on my record.  There is just no way in hell I’ll be allowed
to be a manager here, not with the current crop of rejects in charge of this
house.  That and the money sucks donkey
cock.  And that I’ve made a pest of
myself in demanding to be treated as an equal… yeah, drama in the orifice,
who’d a thunk it?  It’s actually sort of
funny because I get away with making all sorts of fucked up comments though…  My favorite is that when they give me a
shitty assignment: “Hey BC… we need you to find this tonight…”  That usually means that I have to scour an
8.5 square kilometer box o’ sand to find one individual item (usually a truck)
and the 8.5 sq km is full of 2500 exactly duplicate trucks.  At night. 
All night.  Damned near every
night.  I usually will do it, but I throw
out there the line “This’s a ‘white thing isn’t it?”  Gets ‘em every time. 
So yeah, cold feet? 
You bet your ass on that one. 
Shitty Pay, Shitty Company, fucked up future circumstances waiting to
blow…  I mean fuck this with bells on
man.
I mean come on. 
There’s no jobs that pay worth a fuck in the States right now, and Japan?  Hell. 
Land O Da Rising Sun?  I’m digging
the idea of hitting Roppongi and Shibuya and looking for Austin Powers fine
friends Fook Yu and Fook Mei.  Get me
outta here ASAFP.  I mean given the
choice of looking at the local women, who here currently either resemble Ninjas
and/or Imperial Guards on the Death Star, and for that matter most of the
broads who AREN’T uncovered, well, lets just say that 98% of them you
practically WANT them to cover up or would pay someone to cover them.  Who knew Arab Wimmen can braid their mustache
hairs? It’s the Lee Sisters on Patrol… you know…  Ugly, Homely, Beastly… the whole gamut.  Now in Japan… Hoo hoo hoo…  Tiny Japanese girly girls in miniskirts?  Shit, I have better stop now before the wife
crawls through my CAT 5 cable and stomps a mudhole in my ass.  Like I said, given a choice?  Hands fucking down its time to Cowboy Up and
Slant Down.
Part C) is that the Peasants are revolting.  (Cue Mel Brooks: “You bet, they stink on
ice!”)  Yeah.  All is not well here in Kuwait.  The ‘foreign guest workers’ so
euphemistically named in the local English newspaper have been getting a mite
‘uppity’ lately, and having the bad form to be in open revolt.  Leastways they were last week… up until the
Kuwaiti Ministry for Public Safety (read Gestapo) unleashed a battalion worth
of Kuwaiti Special Forces on the rioting crowds.  Between the billy clubs and CS, they handled
it really fucking quickly.  All the
‘foreign agitators’ were arrested and deported posthaste back to whatever third
world shithole they spawned from.  Now,
turning off my ‘snark-o-meter’, what essentially happened was a whole bunch of
Indonesian and Bangladeshi workers got pissed off at being pissed on, and
subsequently went on a 4 ward rampage demanding their rights (the
bounders!)  They burned a bunch of cars,
one police station, and generally made it look like the LA Riots.  Us Americans weren’t in much danger that I
can tell, but still, unsettling to see it. 
Seems the fair rights they demanded was less work (they currently work
an 14-18 hour shift daily) and fair pay, (they were promised 60 Kuwaiti Dinars
and month but actually only see 12 KD a month) after their sponsor company gets
through railing them.  It’s kind of like
that song:  “I owe my soul to the company
store…”  The company that enslaved them I
mean employed them takes out $$$ for food, housing and their work visa.  It’s a titanic screwing if you realize that
60KD as of current exchange rates is equal to $228 dollars using the conversion
of $3.80 to the KD.  They get left with
12KD… that’s like $45 US by the time they are done getting fucked. 
Yeah… 7 days a week, 18 hour days at ball breaking work, and
they LINE UP back in the home country for the opportunity to work here.  It’s when they got fucked over so openly that
the strikes and riots started.  That
scared the piss out of the Kuwaitis as they are wholly incapable of working at
anything other than buying Lamborghinis and counting their cashola.  The concept of the peasants revolting spurred
not a debate of “How can we improve things?” but “Do we use non lethal means
first to try and calm things before sending in the Tanks?”  Like I said, ugly in capital letters, 24
point boldface if you will.
Ok… lets see… bitched about work, bitched about waiting… bitched
about the riots… HMMN… Lessee… OH!  I
remember one now.  This is called :
BIG COUNTRY VERSUS THE BAT
Now what with all the Batman hype and shit with Heath “OD”
Ledger and the Joker and all that, I had my own little run in with the
Goddamned Batman’s little fuzzy and flying bag’s o’ skin and I figure I’ll tell
it now.  Yep.  Larry and I were out labeling trucks (1am
local time) and Larry, for those who haven’t heard is my current work
partner.  Well, we only had one can of
glue between the two of us, and we’re just diddle boppin along, taking turns huffing
said aforementioned glue. (Nothin like a good 3M Buzz to make the night glide
by!)   So we go up to the back of this
big ole truck, and Larry hits the metal gate or something… I dunno what.  Well, the metal does what metal does and it
made this nice ringing “BONG! sound. 
No sooner than the ringing of the metal starts then this
blur of ‘something’ blasts out of the back of the truck.  I think the truck was a 5 Ton, as the gate
and deck was up at my eye level… nothing small about these trucks to say the
least.  Well anyways, this dark blur
comes bailing out of the back at warp speed and hits Larry in the head with a
squeak.  Said flying object rebounds off
of his squash, and before I can move, whackum! 
I get a face full of bat. 
Stinky-Squeaking-Slapping-me-in-the-face-Bat.
Yup.  Lil Bastard
comes DIRECTLY at my face at warp factor five and slams in my grill.  Before I can even register it, the poor lil
fucker gets hemmed up immediately in between my Ball Cap brim and hangin on my
glasses.  His (or Her) little funky body
is pressed clear up against my face, and it’s musty little leathery wings are
slapping me on either side of my face and head.  It’s squeaking to beat the fucking band and me?  I did what anyone would.
I fucking screamed like a bitch.
And not a girly scream either.  Nope. 
This was a Full Throated “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I HAVE A BAT ATTACHED TO MY
FUCKING FACE
” kind of scream.  I got the
shit slapped out of me by its wings, and as it was fighting me, I immediately
ripped off my hat.  Good thing I did
because as it flew off, I get to see my Partner coming up to me with his Mag
Light (the Rodney King Signature Edition) hefted up like he’s gonna club said
aforementioned flying fucking rat off my face…  
Rather he thought he was.  
Thankfully, and unlike what would have normally happened (meaning as the
bat flies off, Larry caves in my grill with a mongasso flashlight) the bat took
off like, well, a Bat out of hell is an apt description, and Larry stopped in
mid-club.  Good thing too… got me a hunch
the dental bills would have damned near ruined both our days.  Me for having get a new grill built, and him
for having to pay for the grill replacement. 
Yeah… He then of course starts giving me shit about it… “Man, nice
scream.  How’s yer underpants?”  I’m like “Shut the fuck up…” I’d like to see
how HE would have reacted if the damned thing  had gotten hemmed up in HIS face. 
Leastways, I didn’t get bit, and I didn’t, for the record,
shit myself. Close but no cigar but  it
was definitely a near thing.  Goddamn the
Bats AND Batman. 

So… that’s like the height of my entertainment for the past
few weeks.  Bat Attack and waiting and
waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. 
Did I mention waiting?
That’s it for now, I’ll try to come up with something else
in my next email.  Until then, I remain
The Intrepid Reporter
Big Country
Billy

By BigCountryExpat

Fuck you if you can't take a joke. No one gets out alive so eat me.

5 comments

  1. It could have been a vulture… Japan, you think they are ready for you? If it ain't against opsec, where oh where in Japan would you be doing your thang and swatting Mothra?

  2. I remember the ‘foreign guest workers’ protest in '08. I was doing an upgrade to the Arifjan satellite dishes for the people that didn't exist. It was a 3 month job where I was in a cushy apartment that came with a driver and a cook/housekeeper for 6 weeks. Then the head guy with no rank or last name told me my team had to move to their compound and live in a tent. We had escorts when we left their compound. We went from a relaxed 10 hour work day to a 12 to 14 hour day to get to the next job as we wanted out of the area that doesn't exist on Arifjan.

    Sorry to hear about the crappy pay. I did the contractor gig for 9 years after I retired from the Air Force where I was making about 4 times what I did as an E-7. I got fed up with Army mentality and retired again 4 years ago. Six months ago I took a part time job as a school bus driver that advertised 30 hours a week. I am averaging 45 hours and the elementary and middle school is like coddling Ricky Recruits.

  3. Great story, and no bat shit reported either. Now that you put this out there from 2008, how about the follow on, we are all hanging by the nuts wanting to know if you ever made it to Tokyo bay. Peace or cash, both have benefits.

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