Saturday Fun with Flamethrowers

So… back about two weeks before XHH6 pulled the plug, I had, right on the 4th of July decided to roll out a toy I had built just for shits, grins and giggles.
Now to explain to y’all.

I’ve been shooting since I was six years old. My dad brought me up to have a healthy respect for firepower. My first piece that I shot was a Smith and Wesson Model 36 Chiefs Special in .38 SP. Yah… 1 and 3/4 inch bulldog barrel… 5 shot cylinder…. recoil like a motherfucker… damned near came out of my hands when I first lit it off…. I loved it.
So from age 6 I was hooked. A big reason I joined the Army. Bigger Kids with Bigger Guns and more Fun in the Sun w/Guns and High Explosives. I dropped out of college to do it because… well fuck. Where else do you get paid to shoot automatic weapons? (A side note: Only the U.S. Army could suck the fun out of firing machine guns like IT sucking the souls from lil kids… man did I hate range time… free gunning tho was the balls as infrequently as it was.)

So I joined… went Infantry. Went to Anti-Armor School (Hotel Modifier). Got to play with the TOW2B then Charlie. Got to play with the Mark-19 40 mike-mike as my secondary, and a M-249 SAW as my primary personal weapon (I am a big boy so’s of course I started out w/the Pig early until they faded the M-60 out) with an M-9 as a ‘go-to-hell’ plan. Learned to hump, hate and love all of the above. Got promoted to Unit Armorer and got the Foxtrot secondary with Small Arms Repairman as a fallback OJT MOS.

The editor right now is waving his limp wrists in my direction all pissed off about the acronyms, “The civilians won’t understand!!!” But hey… fuck it… you wanna know what it means, thats what Da Google is for, so siddown and STFU son. For all intensive purposes I’m figuring my core audience served at one point or another, so no biggie. Anyways…

So… I’m essentially a 9 year old kid in a 50 year old carcass. After all my times “ooot and abooot” I started building my own weapons. To the point I got a gig as the only Civilian Contractor doing Small Arms Repair for the entire state and the Army Reserve. A dream job for me, apparently an unending nightmare for XHH6.

See, the problem was I was always pushing the boundaries. “Can I build an UZI from scratch?” Yep. “Can I mod out and build some other questionable shit?” Well… leave it to your imagination. Lets just say I’m thankful that the ‘fruits of the poison tree’ came into play. That and part of my defense was I found out after the fact that my Shrink said the kinds of stuff I was doing was symptomatic of severe PTSD. Obsessively focusing on finishing a project w/out reeeeally thinking if I should have even started it.

Which brings me to this:
Yeah. I done went and built a fully functional and man-portable flammenwerfer.

“But Big Country!!! Why a FUCKING Flamethrower? Why would you do that?”

My answer: “Because I wanted to see if I could without burning myself to a crisp, and because it Werfs Flammen!!!”

Which also brings me to something I found out. Seems after the “Night of Horror” (NoH as it will be referred to here-forth)… The AGWs (armed government workers) AKA Swine Pigs and other Minions of the Elite rooted the crib and collected every. single. thing. I owned. $30K +/- and a lifetime of memories and generational weapons left to me by dear old Dead Dad. ALL eventually ground up (according to them… I don’t believe them… they Lie as we’ve seen) into scrap. All my spare ammo… Tens of THOUSANDS of rounds… All stolen and destroyed and some shit taken that they -shouldn’t- have taken that they had no right to… outright thievery actually. I can see taking the rifle when Optics are attached, but they stole optics that were very much NOT attached to a weapon. My M-4 Aimpoint gifted to me in Iraq was in a drawer, w/no batteries, stored in a small pelican case. Fuckers took the whole thing, but also had the balls to go into my battery supply and steal the correct batteries for it. I’m sure its on some Dep-Pew-Tee’s M-4, probably on backwards… I hope it fails him when he needs it most and dies tasting his corrupt thieving blood and he drowns from a sucking chest wound.

So anyways… fast forward to the tail end of my Probation. my P.O. “The County Kunta Kinte Cunt” (yep… black female who -hated- wypipo and LOVED to lord her power over me) showed up w/ a Coparoach Dep-Pew-Tee in full Battle rattle two months before my case was to be dismissed… she showed at 22:00 (10pm for the pencil neck editor) to toss the house. Despite me not having done -anything- knowing “The Man” and specifically her white hating ass I wasn’t even a toenail over the line… especially being that close to freedom. So either way she showed to toss the house with the Coparoach. Of course there wasn’t shit to find, but the conversation took a VERY interesting tone, and corresponded to what I had heard from my Shyster (yeah… Jewish Lawyer… if you ever need one, I -HIGHLY- recommend one… as Archie Bunker once said: “My lawyers: Ribinowicz, Ribinowicz, Ribinowicz, and Son… four rabid Jews that’ll gnaw you to the bone!”)

Seems out of ALL the shit they found, the one that -completely freaked- the ever loving fucking shit out of them was the Flamethrower… which is funny as fuck. The Prosecutor (the one who took over the case after I was bailed out) told my Shyster that the Flamethrower “scared the ever living shit out of the Sheriffs Department and just what in the HELL was I doing with one?” Needless to say that between my Shyster and my P-Shrink helped satisfy that question vis-a-vis my PTSD. Add on they didn’t have a case to make either, as “In the United States, private ownership of flamethrower is not restricted by federal law. Flamethrowers are legal in 48 states and restricted in California and Maryland.”

Yep. Legal. Suck it Fuzzballs.

It dawned on me just -why- they’re so terrified.

(insert music and deep voice) Since the Dawn of Time, fewer things have terrified man, and proto-man more than burning to death. (end music) Horrible way to go really. And here the fuzz were in a stand off with an at the time mentally unbalanced dude with the ability to roast them alive. As you can see, the ‘throw’ on it was about 40-50 feet, but thats because I was running pure 87 octane which burned off w/out sticking… if I had been running Napalm, the throw goes out to 80-100 feet… In CQB thats good enough to count along with Horseshoes, Hand Grenades, Nukes, and Bad Analogies.

Kevlar doesn’t do shit. In fact, Kevlar is a ‘no-no’ as it melts and adheres to the skin. If I had decided (not that I could) to go Full Retard, the night might have made international news, never mind national or local. Thankfully it didn’t happen.

But in the interest of these now Screaming Socialists and Retardigans running for the Orifice of the Criminal In Chief, I thought it was my public duty to inform my readership as to the alternatives to an AR-15. Home defense has never been so much fun, but be aware it’s as dangerous to the user, and I -highly- recommend that the novice NOT fuck around.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Do NOT try this at Home. Do NOT build a flame thrower if you are a fucking moron with delusions of being a handyman. Do not use to dry pets. The author is strictly relaying humorous and theoretical anecdotes so please don’t blame me if you F.A.A.F.O. DO NOT BUILD IF IN THE STATE OF MARYLAND OR CALIFORNIA. Them fuckers got no sense of humor.

That being said and out of the way? as I said. Legal. Scares the FUCK out of Coparoaches.

Did I mention easy as fuck to build if yer not a complete fucking idiot?

And cheap? I got ALL the parts on Amazon with Prime shipping for less than $350.

Red Flag Laws you say? Flammenwerfer I say. F.A.A.F.O. Mister “I’m here to arrest you because you didn’t follow the law!” Thats rich. Confiscation? Bring it.
What I -really- want to see is someone ask Beto, the fake Mexican, is someone confront him: I think its hilarious is that he thinks people will comply because it’s “the law”. What -I- want to see if someone confronts him and asks him “if there’s a law passed to put the Jews in the boxcars, should we comply with THAT because it’s THE LAW?”. See the little fuckweasel squirm his way off THAT hook!!!

More to follow… although it has been a productive day blog wise… ain’t gotten shit done otherwise but hey… I need to learn to relax.
The Intrepid Reporter
Big Country

By BigCountryExpat

Fuck you if you can't take a joke. No one gets out alive so eat me.


  1. A homemade machine for werfen the flammens?! I KNEW it! We can be friends, Big…. Hell, at 5'8" and 130 pounds, soakin wet, you let me werfen the flammens and I'll teach yer big ass how to handle revolver recoil. 😉

    1. Appreciate the offer bro but that was when I was six… I'm called Big Country b/c NOW I'm 6'5, 358 pounds and have a 26 inch neck. Think "NFL Linebacker". These days, last hi-powered magnum I plowed through was a .460 S&W… Laid out 5 shots and the guy who let me was highly impressed. (So was I actually… quite the hand cannon)… Watch for the parts list and 'how to' or at least how -I- made my roasty-toasty toy coming soon…

  2. Can hardly wait for the next installment. Could be a wild ride…. But I've been a biker since 1966 so I guess I'll enjoy it.
    "Write On".

  3. It amazes me that everyone's freaking out about 'Red Flag Laws' now but bitches and whores have been using Domestic Violence false reports as a weapon in divorce for, fuck, forever.

    Sorry you got corncob-reamed, dude. Totally sucks. Saw too much of that at the local pd. Especially amazing how the coparoaches were attracted to SWAT and Traffic Enforcement, or both.

    And, yeah, as long as you're not in Califrutopia or Marylandistan, flammenwerfers are very legal. Just don't call them flamethrowers, call them weed-burners. And watch the big bubba cops (the ones who still have a sense of humor left) chuckle.

    At the pd, watched a near perfect low-serial # Garand go into the shredder (or at least headed to the shredder, though I hope it was 'diverted' accidentally before it went into the smelter.) Fucking rules, man, fucking rules suck.

  4. Bout time someone wrote on the third leg of the destruction tripod.

    We have plenty of articles of the Splody Leg (Makin' itty bitty peices out of big things)
    And tons "O" articles on the Holy Leg (puttin' all manner of Holy holes in things)
    FINALLY, someone writes on the last Leg, which is of course the Crispy Leg (No explanation needed for anyone with room temperature IQ or above).

    At last we have the American ingenuity version instead of the Lazy but quite pricey version –

    We all enjoy S'more Tripod anecdotes, just remember to bring your own Graham Crackers and maybe a wiener for roasting!

    MSG Grumpy

    1. Yep. The often overlooked toys are sometimes the best and most satisfying. In this case, for a 4G war, something like what I made is literally IMPOSSIBLE to regulate or stop manufacture of. The parts are COTS (commercial off the shelf) and readily available even in a hardware store like Home Creepshow or How-Lowes-can-we-go. The reason the fuzz are so scared is even in full on EOD battle rattle, they are, if caught properly and/or bushwacked properly are LITERALLY beans-on-toast. I also designed a rig thats autonomous and can be set up by the front door that can be activated remotely or by pressure plate. Lets see a 'stack' enjoy THAT surprise… Game on. Bring it.

    1. Nope… but I -do- like his ignition device… waaay smaller than mine and more compact. That being saide tho he built his to be used in conjunction with his AR and the tank on the back looks like it only holds about 1/2 gallon… cool design tho…

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