Well THAT was Gross…

Greetings to All Y’all Tuning in for the Intrepid Reporter’s nightly news roundup.

Live, (or no so much) from Central FL, the Gunshine State.

Well as the old James Taylor ballad goes, “I’ve see fire and I’ve seen rain” which is par for the course for the disaster recovery biz.  So far, cleanup on isle 2 is a regular thing… daily even.  Water damage and Fire damage thus far.  And today?  Yep.  Dead Body Stuff.

Now apparently this particular call was made and done about a month ago.  The mattress was retrieved and removed after Uncle Frim cashed in… apparently he and the mattress went all moldy, so it was a pretty grim fucking scene.

A Twenty Ton Safe to the Squash’ll Do That

Fast Forward to today:  Seems that the crew who -did- this particular job…  well, to use the British Term, they completely bollixed it up.  A complete Cock-up.  I mean they cleaned up and got the site taken care of… it was the disposal of the aforementioned Mattress O’Doom that they failed oh-so-spectacularly on.

Seems these fuckwits dumped it in the dumpster behind our shop.  The shared dumpster that all the other normal biddnessez utilize.  Now, granted, it wasn’t that bad when they dumped it… some staining… just enough to keep someone from going “Oh look! Free Dumpster Mattress!”

So it wasn’t biohazard bagged (dunno why?  Thats supposed to be S.O.P.) and it was left NEXT to the dumpster and not in it.  Looking at the comparable sizes of each item, I don’t think it would’ve fit… so anyways, they stashed it next to said garbage box.

Me?  I get back from my various missions of the day, including manhandling literally One TON (measured mind you) of various debris and waste at Ye Olde Local Landfill.  Seems the aforementioned fuckwits had been stashing the bags and bags of cleanup debris in the unused box truck for quite some time…Guess who got holding the bag?

So I get back to the Orifice, and the Owner/Bossdude tells me about the Mattress O’Doom.  Seems -someone- from the property management company was a tad ‘miffed’ at the impropriety so I was told to “Go get the thing, and put it in our dumpster where it belongs!”  I grabbed a Minion, Hose A, as Hose B had already popped smoke for the day, and we grabbed the recently emptied truck and drove over to, if you’ll pardon the pun, “the scene of the crime.”

Yeeeeeeeah… its been 4 + weeks… in the rain.  Soaking up water, rats and roaches.  Let me tell ya… roaches?  Holy Fucking Dogballs.  We put on gloves and when we went to move this thing, the cover ripped… and the roaches positively boiled  out of it…

At Least OURS Weren’t Armed w/Lasers
Roaches EVERYWHERE.  My skin is fucking crawling right now as I write this.  I mean the juicy goodness and stench of the Mattress O’Doom was –bad- but motherfucking ROACHES???

Oh fuck me sideways w/a chainsaw.

Yeah… I hate me some Roaches man…  So between me and Hose A, we got the Mattress O’Doom loaded and dumped.  I went inside and washed my hands and did an overall inspection… not too bad…  a few drips and drabs of juice on the work clothes…

Turns out the crew who left this tidbit of Awesomeness for me n’ Hose A were all fired over the past few… methinks this mighta been a “Because Fuck You Thats Why” thing for the Bossdude…  Me?  I’ma gonna make sure shit like this don’t happen no more… leastways to ME.

As soon as I got home, I took off the hoof-covers outside and left ’em at the front door.  The soles of them are about to visit the Church of Clorox after I finish this.  I then went it, warned everyone to avert their eyeballz, (lest they need bleach as well) and went -straight- to the washer and peeled down to the buff.  InstaWash at High Heat w/OxiClean, Borax and a Tide Pod.  That -aught- to do it.  We shall see.
SO yeah… gotta bail for now as I gotta make sure the boots ain’t too infectamated with “The Nasty”.  I look for y’all Later.  Until then
I remain The Intrepid Reporter
Big County

By BigCountryExpat

Fuck you if you can't take a joke. No one gets out alive so eat me.


  1. So, did you suck on the Tide pod to pre-moisture it? Didn't the boss man explain to you about bodies and the bugs that love them?

    1. Ced: I've seen carcii (multiple of carcass? carcasses? carcamooses?) that were infested with roaches, fish… you name it I've seen it… what I -didn't- plan on was the 'ambush' of the Mattress O'Doom.

  2. Goddamn it man, I'd just settled in with a big bowl'a chocolate ice cream when I started readin' this shit… ate it anyway, but damn.

  3. Big, I was an MP in the lean green, yeah I know, I wasn't a dick unless your were an O-fucker… I had a call about a dead body out in the gunnery range at Ft. McClellen and upon arriving at said stiff it was in a creek with fresh water crabs crawling in and out of every orifice and a big banana slug up it's poop chute… to say I lost my lunch would be an understatement.

  4. You have my sincere admiration and condolences for doing this kind of work in effin' Floriduh my friend. If it creeps, crawls, worms, slithers or jumps, it lives in Florida.

    Wife refuses to go back due to the roaches, euphemistically called "palmetto bugs". I have seen furniture move on account of those critters and I swear they have tiny oxy acetylene rigs to get into sealed containers.

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