What a Day

Evening Droogs N Droogettes!
Oi!  Fuckin’ some of Wirecutters luck rubbed off on me the wrong way.  Last night the washer started running a bit funky… sounded ‘off’ to me.  So, I let the fucker cycle and went to bed with the idea to throw the now-cleaned clothes into the dryer at oh-dark early when I wake fromst me slumber to get ready for the works.

Needless to say the clothes didn’t get finished last night.

Actually, that’s just a stock photo, but y’all get the idea.  I went to check at oh-dark, and when I opened the lid, the clothes weren’t pasted to the side like they usually are after a full cycle.  I felt ’em, and actually smelled ’em… here in Flo-ree-DUH! things tend to get rancid quick if they’re soaked in the washer overnight and not properly spun out…

so I reset the bitch for a rinse and spin, and kicked off the cycle.

Alas Poor Maytag, I knew ye well….

CLANG!!! WHUMPAWHUMPAWHUMPA CHOOOOOF!!!!<queue BIG puff of electrical smelling smoke blasting out>…


Double Fuck.

I have to give it credit, the thing gave me a good run.  It was a Maytag Centennial Commercial washer I bought used for a Cee-Note over 12 years ago.  Sapper suggested we give it a true Viking Funeral in the backyard, which, while I appreciated the idea, I nixxed as the HOA Nazis aren’t cool about that sort of stuff.  However, I will sing it’s praises around the fires and honor its memory to the fullest.  Great machine… It replaced the one the Ex-Demon-in-Laws, cursed be their name and may they Burn in hellfire for all Eternity <patooey!> gave me and Ex-Bitcho as a wedding present which only lasted a week past the warranty expiring.  Fucking Whirlpool ain’t worth a shit… just like Samsung.

Fucking my Samsung Flatscreen did the same fuckin’ thing to me.  7 days after the warranty expired and CRACK! SNNNNAP! <screen flares and dies>.  Makes you wonder if the microchipos n shit inside have a pre-programmed “Death Code” embedded.  It’d be easy as fuck to insert a script into the PROM or EPROM on a board in the thing… hell, the dishwasher (old one) died… motor pump burned out and cost almost as much a s a brand new dishwasher… found one on Faceborg Marketplace for $75… it was black, which at the time and still is, black is “out of fashion” so it’s a bitch to get matching appliances… I’m sorta faggy like that.  Call it OCD… can’t have a mismatched kitchen, no way.

So the new dishwasher lasted about 6 months… then IT shit.  This was (when I called) JUST after the warranty expired on it!!!!! 

See a pattern here?
One Time?  O.K.
Two Times? Coincidence.  Maybe.
Three Times?  Fuckin’ Enemy Action.
For Times?  Lock n’ Load evvabody, it’s gonna be an all day affair.

The dishwasher I got back up to speed for $25 for a new brain-board.  The Flatscreen got replaced but shortly after the Ex-Bitcho initiated the Relationship Destruction Etiquette and did Scorched Earth and took the new one with her.  Fuck her.  Whats hilarious was I bought a 42 inch el-cheapo (Mexican made possibly) when I moved in with Sapper at his closet.  He didn’t have a TV as he uses his Gaming PC as his multimedia center.  I also picked up my Xbox One b/c Ex-Bitcho would let me when we were together “You have a 360, that’s good enough!!!” and Because Fuck Her That’s Why LOL.

The killer?  Two weeks after I took possession of the House (stripped to the bone pretty much) and moved back in, My neighbor had a 60 Inch Flatscreen in the front yard, where the trash usually goes.  It was early Sunday Morning and truthfully I was still hammered from the night before.  (That early in the Deee-Vorcage, I wasn’t sleeping worth a shit)  So I ambled over and knocked politely on the door (it was like 0730) and asked Z “Whaddup wit the Flatty bro?”

He’s a Serbian.  Naturalized US By-God-Ortho-Christian.  Dude and his family have become really good friends.  More on him after a while… in short, GREAT family man, about 20 years younger than me, but has my back.  So anyways, he was all like “Is fucking broke.  No fucking work.  Take it if you want bro, I have new one coming this afternoon.  Think it is board inside… HDMI no fucking work.  Brand new Sony… Piss me off.”
I thanked him profusely…and ran and hefted that big fucker back to the crib. 

Have I Mentioned I positively LIVE for a good scrounge? 

So, home I go, move the pppft! 42 inch Made in Mehico off the table, plug in my Xbox, run the HDMI cable in, and bam!  Fucker works like a champ.  Which was strange.  “Z told me this fucker was not working?”  I was like “Fuck it!” and settled into a day of Fallout New Vegas.  2 hours later, Queue a knock at the door.  I checked the camera to the security system, and lo and behold, my main man Z.  He was standing in the door, holding an HDMI cable and bearing a disgusted look on his face.  “Yo Z?  Whats up?”  He goes “Is not fucking TV… is bad fucking Cable.”  I was all like “Damn dude!  That sucks!  How’d you figger that out?”  He then starts telling me that the installers showed up to put the 84 inch 3-D Panasonic up on the wall.  In the process, they used Z’s HDMI cable… and found out it was bad.  Not the TV.  I told him he was free to take back the Sony, to which he told me “No bro, use in good health.  New Panasonic is already on wall mounted.  Wife told me if I have it returned, she’s gonna fuck me up.  She like newer bigger one.”

Talk about good luck.  Fucking still have that big fucker.  It takes up like the entire living room.  In fact now, The Missuz sent me on a scrounge on Sunday.  She found someone giving away furniture for free… so I went to Z and asked him if he’d roll me over to check out shit…  He’s got a HUGE Ford F-250 King Cab w/Extended bed…not pimped, just a solid big ass work truck.  We rolled over and bingo.  New/old (slightly used) Full size electric reclining couch.  Seems the broad giving away all  the shit was combining households with new husband #2 as she’s new wife #2, and the hubby was like “The couch doesn’t go with the rest of the furniture.” so she was giving it and a bunch of other shit away.

Score!!!  It’s good to be the King.
So until later, I remain The Intrepid Reporter
Big Country

By BigCountryExpat

Fuck you if you can't take a joke. No one gets out alive so eat me.


  1. Bought a 6 year old "Manufactured home" and right about age ten, every Gawdamn appliance in that thing died. Planned obsolescence. Knock on wood, the water heater is original, 23 years old now. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

  2. Tip of the hat to ya sir! A good scrounge that can be made to work is absolutely the cat's meow. One mans trash is another mans gold as my pop used to say. That is in the blood.

    50+ years in country and I still have good quality "found" items in the house. Not quite as uptight about mismatched stuff, but try to keep it within reason. Tools people toss cause "they broke" are usually good finds with simple fixes. Electronics and appliances a lot more difficult nowadays but even so, as no one fixes shit to the board or component level any more, I can and so benefit.

    Daughter just bought a house, am itching for this COVID crap to end so I can haul a load of "early relative" furniture down to AZ.

    Keep on scrounging!

  3. If you are forced to buy a washer/dryer, go buy a Speed Queen. You can't find them at Homey Despot or Blows, nor at regular big-box stores. You find them at dedicated appliance stores.

    Their 'residential' models are just like the ones you find in laundromats, except without the coin-operated thingamabob. Built Sherman Tank tough. Worth it. And most appliance stores have a 'scratch and dent' section where you get like a serious discount because there's a blemish in the paint.

    Whatever you do, do not get those newish high efficiency fuckers. Those don't clean nor dry worth a flying fuck.

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